Sahib’s 7-11 Porno Rating
System to the Stars!
Sahib, night-shift manager
at the Hollywood and Vine 7-11, is used to fielding questions
from moving-picture stars stopping by for a quick snack,
beverage, or some fuel.
Many times too busy to speak indepthly with the stars about
their latest films, Sahib instead devised a simple yet effective
rating system.
For instance, when Kevin Costner pops in for a bag of Corn
Nuts and an Entertainment Weekly, Sahib only has
to meet the star’s upraised eyebrows and reply with
“Heaven Sent™ Hosiery,” and Mr. Costner
will know instantly that his latest film was yet another
total waste of time, money, and gaffing tape.
Generously, Sahib has allowed us to reproduce the exciting
rating system here!
Sahib's worst to best:
Heaven Sent™ Hosiery
Sahib believes if you even attempt to step out in style
with 7-Eleven’s proprietary brand of panty hose, you
are nothing but the dung of the monkey who shits the milk
of Kali’s mother. Even though it is available in a
variety of styles and colors, comes in plastic lipstick-like
containers, and may be perfect for emergencies, Sahib feels
there is no bigger piece of shit hawked by 7-11.
Cosmopolitan® Magazine
Second only to Heaven Sent™ Hosiery, is Cosmopolitan®
Magazine. Despite the supposed upbeat style, and monthly
features on beauty, relationships, careers, and other modern
social trends, Sahib knows the magazine is about as valuable
as a fifty-gallon drum filled with goat foreskin.
Milk
Milk is delivered fresh to the stores 7 days a week (in
many locations) and is one of the five gifts of the sacred
cow: milk, curd, ghee, urine, and dung.
1/4 Pound Big Bite® Hot Dog
It’s the Jesus of American meals – a one-quarter-pound
Oscar Mayer® ready-to-eat hot dog made to 7-Eleven’s
rigorous specifications! Crown it with chili, cheese, relish,
peppers, onions, or other toppings from the 7-Eleven condiment
bar. Sahib recognizes that it’s a quick lunch, and
delicious, even if he does not eat meat.
Gasoline
Haling from an underdeveloped nation, Sahib recognizes the
King of Kings at many 7-Eleven® stores—gasoline.
He doesn’t really care that you can gas up and get
your beverages and snacks all at once for your next road
trip, or that many 7-Eleven® stores also offer pay-at-the-pump
convenience, he only knows that the men who control the
fuel control the fucking world.
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If you’re in the market for some
Love Making Action, definitely check out our short list--a
well rounded collection of the best we can find (except for the
clown sex one).
We configure the site links to be as pop-free
as possible, and many are totally pop or console free
(except for that Tawnee Stone one). However, if you're
having problems with pop-ups, you should stop using that crap
IE browser and download Mozilla
Firefox for free. It will also help keep you safe from spyware,
scumware, and it will leave your breath smelling minty fresh!
We also don’t advertise sites which use misogynist language
or place models in misogynist scenarios (except for that Bang
Bus one). But if we do, we're the first to know--and that's our
secret pledge to you! And although we review in a light-hearted
manner, we absolutely recommend all of the following sites. You
can check out our Review area to
see what goes on behind the scenes with our funky team of reviewers.
Happy surfing!
PUMPSTER rates sites on the following
criteria:
QUALITY * DESIGN * ORIGINALITY * LANGUAGE
using Sahib's 7-11 Porno Rating Sytem to the Stars!
PUMPSTER Short List: click on a link to read
the review
Absolutelymale.com is one of the Web’s largest gay sites,
and I’m not making that up—I read it on a banner ad.
Unfortunately, I’m not gay. However, I once did let my gay
buddy Charlie hump me out of curiosity—my curiosity, not Charlie’s.
It was okay, but not something I’d ever get into, even as
a hobby or when really high on glue. Besides, after it was over,
Charlie began hassling me about being gayer than he, since he fucked
me. That confused me; I figured I was being the less gay one, because
I had just laid on my stomach while he had stuck his dick into another
man’s butt and moved it in and out and basically did all the
homo stuff. Apparently, that’s not how gays see it. He explained
that in the world of gay, the guy on the bottom was more of a fag
than the guy on top; and the guy on top in many cultures—for
instance the Middle East and Texas—would not even be considered
gay. I guess if you think about it, it makes sense. When I had lain
down, I basically offered him a butt-gina, while he retained all
of his masculine heterosexual attributes by sticking it to me. Someday
I should buy him a box of chocolates or take him to dinner to prove
who wears the pants in our friendship, but I don’t think I
could—then I’d have to stick my dick up his butt and
move it in and out and do all that homo stuff. TOP
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 This
whole Bangbus.com deal sure reminds me of my friend Beef and I cruising
around Boise in my Chevy one-ton van trying to pick up chicks to
make love to. If we had a grand to give to each candidate, well,
then I’m sure we would have fared just as well as the scholars
in the Bangbus.com site. Instead, I normally wound up with the fat
one, and Beef usually wound up with a girl named either Cathy or
Georgia. I don’t know why that was. Of course, we didn’t
take my van to Europe like these guys have done; the farthest we’d
range was over to Rexburg, where the Mormon college was. But we
didn’t cruise over to pick up chicks, more to just taunt the
Mormons and eat at White Castle. Sure Bangbus.com has become somewhat
of a legendary site, one of the ground breaking “reality”
sites, and Beef and I, well, that remains to be seen. But if you
do check out Bang Bus, you’ll find about 50 or 60 episodes
(videos/stills) of the gentlemen making love to women inside the
bus (hence “bang” bus—though it is more of a mini
van) and plenty of pop-ups to keep you on your toes. The elemental
idea is slightly unrefined, and the males in the production tend
to be a little potty mouthed, but, overall, it’s certainly
interesting enough, and you should check it out before they get
bored and start line cooking at Denny’s or blow all their
dough on coke.TOP
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 The
whole Shagginwagon.com deal sure doesn’t remind me of my friend
Beef and I cruising about Boise in my Chevy one-ton van trying to
pick up chicks to make love to. This is not primarily because the
Shaggin’ Wagon cruises all over the US, while we remained
in Boise, but because there are already a couple of chicks in the
van who are fucking the lucky winners of the site’s weekly
contest (only members are eligible). This is opposed to a couple
of pimple-faced hicks from Boise trying to get one fat girl and
one girl named either Cathy or Georgia loaded on Boone’s Strawberry
Hill wine. If only the Shaggin’ Wagon would have been around
years ago, and it had come to Boise, well, then even I could have
gotten laid! No more fat friends for me—only hotties. And
it might have saved me from that wholly embarrassing incident with
that one-armed Eskimo woman named Earl. But when Beef and I were
hitting the Boise avenues and boulevards, we were still running
programs on Commodore 64s with cassette tapes. So I guess Shagginwagon.com
wouldn’t have existed after all, unless it had gotten a spot
on prime-time television, but that wouldn’t have worked, since
you can’t even say the word “shit” on prime time,
let alone smear your wad all over some hot chick’s face.
TOP
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This whole African American men making love to fair-haired women
sure reminds me of my Uncle Seg when he used to work for the Boise
Parks and Recreation department. Okay, he was neither an African
American, nor had he made special love with multitudes of fair-haired
lasses, but he did have a huge black toe. Something about gout,
Vietnam, and the I Ching made it that way, but I don’t really
recall. Anyway, he’d love to wag it around in our faces and
make all us kids on the playground kiss it. This is much like the
African American men in Blacksonblondes.com do, except they wag
around huge black cocks instead of toes and make the girlies kiss
those instead, not to mention do other things. Sometimes during
the winter, Uncle Seg’s toe would get infected after a long
day of pushing snow in the parks around town, and it would puss
all over his sock; that, too, reminds me of another element that
plays a major role in the Blacksonblondes.com show. Apparently,
after all that rubbing and rutting, that stuff just has to come
out. Sure, Uncle Seg is now doing a little time because of that
unfortunate incident a couple years back with the monkey, but that
doesn’t mean someday when he gets out he won’t join
Blacksonblondes.com to get a chance to check out their absolutely
massive library of videos, stills, and other free content. Just
like I think my Uncle Seg has the greatest huge big black toe on
his foot, this site has the greatest huge big black men on top of
women with blonde hair (although I think a lot of them aren’t
even sandy blonde; and actually would be considered brown-haired
if a stylist had something to say about it). TOP
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 Review
coming soon!
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If you’re fed up with the bang buses and the bang boats and
the bang wagons and the bang nuclear submarines and the bang vans
and the bang skateboards—and you don’t mind masturbating
while some Australian guy wearing a wig keeps yelling “Crikey!”
as he cruises the Australian outback for a variety of fictitious
mammals—then maybe this hardcore reality/parody site is for
you. The site is relatively new and, as you might expect by the
slant, isn’t a mega-porn portal. But it might be worth a visit
if you are into more light-hearted depictions of Homo sapiens caught
in the act of faking the act of reproduction in front of a camera
for your viewing pleasure. We here at Pumpster.com give a great
round of applause to such productions, even if that darn guy in
the wig keeps yelling “Crikey!” just before we’re
about to pop. TOP
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Her name was Denisa, and the lazy summer days spent in
her dorm room were heaven. I remember the smell of her deodorant
mixed with the odor of fresh-cut grass, which wafted through the
window as we lay in bed playing with each other lazily and fucking
and fucking and fucking only like 18 year olds can. But too close
to heaven those days would turn out to be. One inauspicious day,
she told me Jesus, the son of God, had visited her in a dream and
told her what she was doing was a sin. Jesus did, however, mention
that as long as I remained fully clothed and she did not touch me
in a sexual way, I could still finger her until orgasm. Well, that
lasted about two days—then I told her and her Jesus to fuck
off. The Denisa I knew before Jesus visited her would have fit right
into Dormamateurs.com—she was cute, down-to-earth, and slightly
amateurish in the way she would lay back on the bunk bed in her
panties or the way she would shotgun beer. Luckily, Jesus has not
infected the likes of the ladies on this site: they appear to be
ready and willing to pleasure themselves alongside a friendly naked
male (or female) companion. However, as a member of the Gigacash
group, members have access to another 14 high-quality sites, sites
which not only offer additional links, games, chat, and videos,
but also have interesting industry news articles updated daily.
That way, if Jesus sneaks up on you while you’re surfing Dormamateurs.com
or Realtimevideos.com, you can tell him you’re only there
for the articles.TOP
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 Back
in college there were these twins who had the biggest dicks I’d
ever seen—like forearms they were. They were a skinny pair
of kids from Mexico, barely 5 feet five, and that made their already
monstrous members seem even larger. But I will be honest with you:
It was a hard road for those two. It would take them 15 minutes
to get erect; and when erect, there wasn’t a woman on campus
who could manage to fit even their glans inside her. Well, those
guys should have been hanging around the set of Maximumcock.com,
where there appear to be hundreds of women who have very little
problem getting even bigger dicks inside their vaginas, mouths,
and butts; or a combination of, say, mouth + vagina, or vagina +
butt, or even vagina + butt + mouth + hand + other hand. The title
is not misleading; it’s really a huge-cock warehouse, designed
for guys who have monster cocks but can never find a woman skilled
enough to take them. It was refreshing to finally see someone sink
a woman with his monster 15-inch dick, something I’ve only
been able to do once (and that was in Tijuana so I don’t really
count it). I could say that guys with small dicks probably wouldn’t
like this site much, but actually it doesn’t matter. As a
member of the Gigacash group, small-dick guys will have access to
another 14 high-quality sites, not to mention dozens of other additional
links, adult videos, industry articles, games, chat, dating, etc.
and all that mega-porn portal stuff. TOP
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Mosteroticteens.com defies that come-gobbling
notion that if it’s not pink and you don’t have a huge
cock inside it, it won’t succeed on the great big blue marble
called the WWW. It’s good to know that not everyone in the
world is a god-damned sadist. Mosteroticteens.com allows me to realize
that someday there might be peace between Israel and Palestine,
that there might be toxic wastelands cleaned and rejuvenated with
flora and fauna, and that Chevy Chase and Bill Murray might start
doing drugs again so they could once again be funny. Famed photographers,
using beautiful, lavish, and highly stylized scenarios, have captured
the beauty and essence of teen beauty, which makes it seem most
erotic. The involvement of these skilled photographers also means
that you have the choice between many exceptional high-quality picture
and video formats. There also are 10 live cams, where you might
get a chance to speak with a model about how her teen beauty and
essence is an equation to being most erotic. TOP
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Knottyclown.com defies that beautiful, lavish, and stylized notion
that if it’s not capturing the beauty and essence of female
beauty and essence, it won’t succeed on the great big blue
marble called the WWW. It’s good to know that not everyone
is into stylized and cliché concepts of female beauty or
that holding hands or cuddling has nothing on getting a cream pie
smashed into your face while you’re taking it from behind.
Knottyclowns.com made me realize that there will never be peace
between Israel and Palestine, that there will always be toxic wastelands
void of flora and fauna, and that Chevy Chase and Bill Murray may
start doing drugs again, but they will never be as funny as they
were in “Caddyshack.” Completely unknown photographers,
using make-up, big red noses, puffy shoes, and cream pies, have
captured the bizarre and twisted essence of clown sex, all of which
makes it seem like clown sex (the fucking of women dressed as clowns
especially adding to this factor). TOP
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 If
you love to see women fisting each other, double fisting each other,
footing and fisting each other, or heading, backing, footing, and
poly-quad-fisting each other, then Sapphicerotica.com is not your
site. However, if you would like to observe some astoundingly cute
barely-legal looking females making love—holding hands while
they just bury their faces in each others’ snatches, or snuggling
while they bang the living shit out of each others’ tight
honey holes—then there is probably no better place to find
such content (excluding my black-sheep step-brother’s sick-and-twisted
mind). Obviously the producer of Sapphicerotica.com appreciates,
and does not tire of promoting, this loving type of lesbian interaction
and is a pretty damn fancy photographer as well. It’s like
when you look at the stuff, you’re thinking, “Wow, he
really has got an edge of that whole F-stop and aperture deal, eh?”
A lot of the pics, therefore, are of a larger size and higher quality
than what are found on many sites produced by drunks or comedians.
TOP
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Review coming soon!
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Having never married, I haven’t had the chance
to really pursue the swinging scenario. I mean, humping on your
buddy’s girlfriend is one thing (if he’s down with that,
of course) but letting a stranger fuck your wife for $1000—which
is Swing for Dollars’ slant—is something else. Sure,
I admit, when I visit my old college friends who are all married,
I hear their glorious tales of near constant wife swapping, so I’m
not ignorant to what’s going on around me. As far as I can
tell, swinging is the zeitgeist of modern times, more so even than
the mobile phone or Hot Pockets. And I imagine that at any given
point in time, half the globe is swinging wildly, a quarter are
working, another quarter are sleeping or going to the bathroom.
And then there’s that one dude—sitting with a $1,000
bill in his back pocket, watching his wife being filmed by the Swingfordollars.com
crew as she gives head to some hairy dude named Rich or Bill. Even
if you’re single and have no intentions of getting married
and then letting your wife get filmed by the Swingfordollars.com
crew as she gives head to some hairy dude named Rich or Bill, there
might be enough pics and videos to keep you occupied for quite a
while. The looks on some of the husbands’ faces might even
be worth the price of admission. TOP
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There is little else that can crush the very heart and soul of an
obese, balding, divorced 38-year-old, than the image of Tawnee Stone
pulling down her panties just a little bit—just so he can
see that brief glimpse of soft pubic hair, which he knows he will
never, never, never be able to touch, even if he were the last man
on earth. But on the positive side, she’s aging as fast as
us! Throw caution to the wind, and get on over to the Tawneestone.com
before she gets all old and haggard—which you know she will.
That might offer you a bit of respite during the painful ruminations,
considering how long it’s been since you’ve graduated
from a high school, where even you could have spoken to a woman
who was this cute, who played varsity volleyball, and who had a
porn site, where her coochie was hanging out for the world to gawk
at. And if you want to start cyber stalking the queen of cute, her
biography lists biographical things (ironically, about her) and
this could come in handy if you would like to start dressing up
like Tawnee Stone—like people did with Madonna or Pat Benetar.
The quality of the site is high, and, as Ms. Stone is a member of
the Lightspeed.com group, access is granted to additional high-quality
sites. But really, try and get out just a little more, and you really
don’t need those Cheetos. TOP
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 This
site reminds me of when my buddy Steve and I double-teamed my Czech
girlfriend Katka. We started out that night swapping girlfriends,
but Steve’s girl flaked out on me, so I got on in there with
Steve and my lady, a move that drove my lady wild since she had
always been pushing me to suck another guy off in front of her.
Well, it was New Year’s Eve, and the whole lot of us passed
out before much happened anyway, so that’s why Threepillows.com
is so intriguing to me—because I can just imagine what could
have happened! Threepillows.com is the world’s largest M/M/W
Bi site on the net, and I’m not making this up—I read
it on a banner ad. This site is more like a cyber city for bisexuals:
They have chat rooms, a member’s forum, columns, interactive
Bi games, and interactive stories. They even have an interactive
photo shoot system, where the user can be the director! It is bi-owned
and operated, which, of course, I imagine it would have to be, otherwise
that would be a tough day at the office for some homophobe. You
know, it could have been named Biopolis or MegaBiPartyPlanet it
is so big, but the gentle and subtle metaphor inherent in the title
Three Pillows—two pillows of a bluish hue, one of pink (representing
the participants’ sex)—is sweet and gentle, like the
sweet and gentle kiss of a beautiful woman and the feeling of another
man trying to jam his dick up your butt. TOP
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 Review
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This is the largest teen masturbation site on the net, and I’m
not making this up—I read it on a banner ad. They’ve
certainly invested a ton of cash into those sybian sex machines--those
big vibrators women ride like legless horses and where I wonder
anyone not involved in adult entertainment would actually store
during nonuse. If you did not know, the sybian is an ancient erotic
machine that was created over 3,000 years ago in Mesopotamia by
soybean farmers (s-bean). Although in that age, the machine was
nearly 70-feet high, made of wood, and filled with over a million
thousand locusts to instill upon the user a vibratory experience;
today, space-age modern technologies, such as electricity, allow
the user to achieve a heady stream of orgasms without the fecal
odor and high-pitched screeching emitted by the several tons of
insects (not to mention saving the user the hassle of storing the
70-feet high model from the prying eyes of children and neighbors).
But if you’re not into sybians, don’t despair. The absolutely
massive Toyteen.com site offers its models other playthings they
can achieve orgasms with; and this challenge, undertaken by the
hundreds of women on the site, ends not only gleefully, realistically,
and spasmodically, but often times with swollen and soaking wet
genetalia. Although the language and grammar on the site is absolutely
atrocious—slightly misogynist and they even misspell, ironically,
“masturbation”—it can’t really be beat for
some good old-fashioned dripping-wet teen toying produced by hicks.
TOP
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I remember back in the day when publishing your photo alongside
marijuana plants could get you thrown jail. Remember those souls
who, wearing masks, would pose next to their vibrant shrubbery and
snap “anonymous” shots for High Times, only forgetting
to remove the college diplomas hanging on the walls behind them;
or forget that their drivers’ licenses were stuck to their
foreheads? Well, those days are long gone, and apparently so, too,
are the rules about nudity on the WWW. Not only are the girls on
420girls.com down-to-earth cute and posing with all sorts of smoking
paraphernalia, but most are just completely naked! And they’re
not all down-to-earth cutie-pie amateurs—there are some real
live porn stars lighting up and jamming bongs in their vaginas.
I couldn’t believe my eyes—it was like Sodom and Gomorrah
all over again, but this time with less Sodom and more Gomorrah;
and certainly lots more of obviously great home-grown crippler.
Not only did I achieve a sort of low-grade contact high, I achieved
an erection as well, and some of that slippery clear stuff came
out the end of it after a bit. TOP
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