LAKESIDE CITY, IOWA--Confirmed bachelor and part-time aluminum can recycler Marcus Bradford, 47, revealed today that his right hand is a “magical gateway” that can take him directly to vaginas of his seven ex-girlfriends.

“I can have any of them all over again, using my ‘palm pilot,’” Bradford slurred yesterday in front of peers who had gathered in a Lakeside City tavern.

Although Bradford has not received a telephone call from even one of his ex-girlfriends, some breaking contact for over twenty years, Bradford still asserts his hand, when properly manipulating his “dip stick,” has a magical power that can immediately transport him to any of their “honey holes.” Having arrived, Bradford claims to “have his way with it” or, if lacking the energy to fantasize, simply ruminates about the last moment he was intimate with the organ.

“There’s that particularly great scene when I stopped by Mandy’s trailer after high school [second girlfriend] and she was dressed in a badger costume. It was such a hot moment.” Bradford failed to mention that Mandy Jameson, now serving an 11-year jail sentence for possession of methamphetamines, had been on her way to perform in a play about a family of badgers who move into a high-rise apartment after discovering oil in their burrow. Because of Bradford, Jameson was forced to perform with the costume’s crotch torn open and its polyester fur smeared with semen and chewing tobacco spittle.

“Then there was the wonderful, romantic time Jenny and I experimented with anal sex. I go there often...very often.” In a telephone interview, ex Jenny Witherspoon [fourth girlfriend] had a slightly different version of the moment. “He was so drunk he thought he was inside my ass,” Witherspoon said. “Then the stupid fuck shoots his load inside me.” Bradford failed to mention this erroneous ejaculation lead to Witherspoon seeking a medical solution to remove the embryo created during the “wonderful, romantic” experiment.

Ex number six, Gwen Robertson, was perplexed to hear Bradford was touting his hand as a gateway to reach anything that even resembled a vagina. “If that hand is such a gateway, where was it when he had the real deal? I will tell you—it was in a dirt bag tavern lifting pints of beer into the stupid fucking hole in the middle of his face!”

Bradford, hunched over on a stool at the bar, his right hand dressed in the heavily soiled Wells Lamont glove he wears to protect his nimble fingers while collecting recyclable aluminum, expounded for nearly ten minutes about his feverish special journeys into the “hot, wet snatches” of his past loves.

Although the verdict is still out about the remarkable claims, Bradford speaks with a confidence and brevity which is hard to ignore. “So what’s her name, Cathy, used to let me change her tampons. That type of kinky stuff I still enjoy visiting, using my special gateway.”

Yet Cathy Swanson [seventh girlfriend] tells a different story. “That freak! My husband’s gonna kill him if he so much as thinks about using his ‘gateway’ for anything other than putting a bullet through his head!” Swanson went on to describe how once, when she did not let Bradford have sexual intercourse with her during her “heavy day,” he removed from the trash several tampons and attempted to beat them up. Unfortunately, he was so thoroughly inebriated the tampons managed to get the better of Bradford, and he was knocked unconscious after falling backward while attempting a round-house kick.

Despite some claims that Bradford is a “psychotic alcoholic bastard from hell” who “deserves castration,” Bradford is not ruling out an exciting new relationship. “If love is in the stars, then so be it. But right now I am content, very content.” The new lucky lady, Bradford claims, would be “assured” his gateway would be put to rest during the duration of their two to four month soul destroying relationship.

Scientists briefly studied Bradford’s hand, but nothing substantiating could be found. “It smelled a bit like a Slim Jim, that was all,” Dr. Corbin DeClare said. “But unless we severed it and reattached it to a mouse, we could never be positive the claims might be true.”

After his twelfth pint, Bradford attempted to demonstrate how, by agitating his frenulum with his thumb and index finger, he activates the magical gateway. The demonstration, however, was interrupted by bartender Mack Robertson, who requested Bradford leave the premises. send this link to a friend