Teenager Discovers Online Girlfriend is Actually Grandfather

DEXTER, INDIANA--An 18-year-old who had been online dating a 19-year-old Hungarian dance student named Vulga for the past three months was horrified last week when he discovered he had been mutually masturbating with his 81-year-old grandfather Lars Anderson who was staying just down the hall.

Anderson senior had recently moved into the teen’s home after a gardening accident left the senior unable to navigate the stairs in his own two story abode.

The ficticious Hungarian Vulga, an online personality Anderson senior had invented to lure unsuspecting well-endowed budding rock-and-roll stars to pleasure themselves with him, was purported to be trying to earn enough money to come to the United States to pursue her dream of becoming a professional dancer. Although the teen had cared very little for Vulga’s aspirations, he did enjoy many hours of sexually explicit chatting, which regularly cumulated in the teen making love to himself along with his online lover.

Lars Anderson’s daughter Emily walked in on her father last Tuesday and discovered him feverishly masturbating in front of a late model Compaq desktop the family had set up for him in the back bedroom to give him something to do during his convalescence. Distraught and shocked, Emily sought refuge in her son’s room, only to discover an almost identical scene. At the same moment, the teen received a cryptic message from Vulga in which she stated she “must to now go bekause mother comink into the room.”

“I thought it was a coincidence,” the teen said.

He admits to telling Vulga he was a 24-year-old budding rock-and-roll star who resembled Jim Morrison and had a penis over ten inches long. Despite this fabrication, the teen boldly declared to his mother that he was in love with Vulga and that he “would be bringing her to America to get married.” Seconds after this verbal assertion son and mother heard Anderson senior scream, followed by a large crash.

Possibly the shock of realizing he had been carrying out his secret transsexual urges on his own grandson caused Anderson senior to suffer a nervous breakdown. From the intensive-care ward he did manage to tell reporters that “during the war one would never have accidentally touched himself online with his grandson.” Anderson then added, “the fish, the fish."

The teen fears the possibility of his grandfather telling “something funny that happened” to someone in his high school peer group, and presently is hoping for his grandfather to slip further into a delusional state. This, unfortunately, seems to be occurring.

"It's really hard to find work with this damn lawnmower looking thing hooked up to my rectum," said Anderson senior from the intensive-care ward. "The burger downtown smelled me after the hose blew out and sprayed the warmer with feces juices again, and in a small town, your options get limited.”

By press time reporters had been unable to determine what was actually hooked up to Anderson’s rectum or what “burger downtown” referred to, putting the teen at further ease.

In the meantime, the teen has started a budding friendship with a “sexy” 17-year-old brunette from Moscow who “want the huges cock now.”