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Society and Culture


Campbell’s “Man Chowder” Recalled Minutes before Shipped out to Supermarkets

Is Porn Worse Than Crack? Pumpster's "Quote, Unquote" with the Senate testimony of Mary Anne Layden!

Space Aliens Send Invasion Armada to Washington Because Of Pioneer 10 Porn

“Plumber’s Butt” Hit Fashion Statement with Young Women, Plumbers Rejoice Worldwide

Camel Toes Become Fashionable in Alabama, Iowa, Georgia


Adult Entertainment

"Lady Chatterley’s Lover” Boring, Claims Employee of Fistinglessons.com

38-Year-Old Man Realizes Term “MILF” No Longer Relevant

Judge Accused of Masturbating Resigns To Pursue Career in Porn

Man Feels Friend’s Budding Interest in “Chicks with Dicks” a Homosexual Facade

Blind Date’s Failure Blamed on Bulk Jar of Vasaline

Human Interest

Woman Admits Life-Sized Kevin Costner Tattoo Not Such a Well Thought-Out Idea

Tattoo Artist Pretty Sure Woman Said ‘Nick Nolte,’ Not ‘Dolphin’

Police Investigate Bizarre Bernie-Mac-Tattoo-Related Suicide

Woman Fears Boyfriend Preparing To Write Screenplay

Man Fears Girlfriend Preparing To Become a Witch

Business

Porn Actor Pursues Dream of Opening Porn-Themed Eatery


Failed Restaurateur Now Realizes Why Nine Out of Ten New Restaurants Fail

Special

Real products, real photos, real odd!

Swedish Coffee Company Gevalia Kaffee Releases Controversial New "Special Offer"

Read the Pumpster X-Tips--fun for the whole family!

The Executive Ass Man

This week The Executive Ass Man replies to Paul from Milwaukee: “Will I get poopy on my dick?”

This week The Executive Ass Man replies to John from Topeka: "Will eating ass make me sick?"

Science

Butt-Sniffing Dogs Searching For Snacks, Not Information

Psychoanalysts Debate the Interpretation of Matrix-Inspired Dreams

Ten Minutes to Orgasm: The Day the Internet Went Down

Huge Tits Nothing But “Big Balls of Nasty Fat,” Claims Scientist

Huge Monster Cock Nothing but a “Blood-Engorged Flesh Sock,” Claims Scientist

Editorial

Yin, Yang, and Joni, Men’s Empathy is Baloney

Boy, am I sure glad I didn't assassinate President Bush!

If I Don’t Have A Few Brats Quick,My Beer Drinking Is Going To Suffer!


Man Mainly Fucks Wife at Swingers’ Party

PINE, TX--A much-awaited swingers' party at a local motel allowed Mark Jacobson the chance to fuck his wife, Miriam, for the longest time in six years. Even though he was "so looking forward" to finally having intercourse with another woman after his dry spell with a wife, he was unable to effect intimacy with even one other female.

“It was our first party, you know, and I told her it was going to be really fun and special, but it wasn’t what we expected,” Mark said.

After badgering wife Miriam for nearly two years about swinging, primarily so he could enter a female other than the one he had been spending a progressively more monotonous time with, Miriam capitulated.

The couple answered a vague advertisement in an out-of-town newspaper. Two weeks later, they found themselves in a remote motel, where four other couples had begun swinging-orientated activities.

“We were sort of like the new kids in school, so we just stood around drinking beer and watching all the others. Since everyone was busy, I convinced Miriam we should just do it.”

After separately undressing, Mark mounted Miriam from behind and proceeded to perform a routine version of penetrative intercourse, which lasted approximately 15 minutes. Miriam then rode Mark for an additional 10 minutes before the couple paused to get another drink. At the makeshift bar, Mark re-inserted himself and absently thrust into Miriam for another six minutes while downing two beers. In total, it was the longest session of intercourse the couple had ever had. But as Mark habitually thrust into Miriam, he seemed more transfixed on the scene around him.

“I had my eye on this really hot brunette, who was being screwed from behind while sucking another guy’s dick. I really wanted her. But I was sort of stuck with Miriam, and I didn’t know how to really break this sort of ice. Having my wife there was really sort of a downer, and I was hoping someone would just take her off me, so I could get some pussy without feeling guilty.”

The situation changed drastically when the two men, who were ravishing the brunette strode boldly up to Miriam. After pushing Mark aside, they gently laid Miriam on one of the two motel beds and began to service her.

“Miriam immediately started screaming like a banshee or something. I’d never seen her act like that, and it made me feel jealous. But then the brunette was momentarily alone, and I knew it was my chance.”

Mark approached the brunette, a waitress named Cindy, and touched her left nipple—the one out of the pair that was presently erect. Cindy, however, sneered at this advance, and quickly retreated to the bathroom. Meanwhile, a third man joined the pair sharing Miriam, and he started to anally penetrate her. Mark was aghast.

“I was about to run over and stop him, tell him that my wife would never want to do that, but then his dick slid in and, well, never mind.”

Although he had no desire to be with his wife, Mark decided he would join the foursome.

“After that second guy got up in her butt, with the first one still in her pussy, she started flooding the bed with her juice. I’d never seen her do that. Anyway, I got down on the bed next to them, thinking Miriam might like to give me head or something, since I was her husband.”

Although Mark’s crotch was in close proximity to Miriam’s mouth, she instead pulled onto the bed the third man, who had paused to smoke a cigarette, and began sucking him off instead. Mark tried to get the group’s attention by openly staring and deeply sighing, but to no avail.

Mark eventually left the bed and approached a female performing fellatio with her rear-end raised in the air. He stepped behind the woman, began stroking her left buttock, and then attempted to insert himself inside of her. The woman, however, scowled at Mark and shoved his hand away. She then knelt down on the ground, pressed her legs together and shielded her backside with her free hand.

By now, the man who Miriam had been sucking off had risen to his knees and was engaged in fucking Miriam’s left ear. A moment later, Cindy came from the bathroom and spread her legs before Miriam’s mouth—something Mark had always thought Miriam would never go for.

“Then the next thing you know, she’s fingering that woman and licking her pussy like someone in a porno movie. I mean, I always assumed she’d never do that, her being so religious and all. And then, that guy humping her in the ear—that’s just not how Miriam is, and I should know. I’m her husband.”

Mark felt the time to act was now, as the last remaining couple started to hastily assemble a two-seater hang glider above the commotion surrounding Miriam. Although Mark strongly felt Miriam would never hang glide, as it was surly too frightening and dangerous a sport for someone as timid as Miriam, he felt now might be his last chance to engage with the group—just in case.

Mark again approached Cindy, who was feverishly grinding her pelvis against Miriam’s face. He wrapped her in a solid embrace, began nibbling her neck and was about to massage her breasts when, suddenly, Cindy turned and dealt the side of his face a solid blow. Mark stumbled back and fell into the makeshift bar—two ice-filled coolers stocked with beer and soda set on a card table—and sent the entire assembly crashing to the floor.

The company immediately ceased their play and shot accusing looks at Mark, including Miriam, who shook her head and frowned. A moment later, a heavy knock resounded from the motel door: It was the motel manager threatening to call the sheriff.

Although Miriam appeared to need help walking down the steps and into the parking lot, she refused assistance from Mark. He mentioned casually that after “that fiasco,” they’d never make plans to experiment with swinging again. Miriam did not reply.

“It just didn’t work out like we thought it would,” Mark said. “So I suppose, for us, it’s back to a wholesome life of TV dinners and watching football. At least you can’t say we’re a boring couple—we tried!” Extract this string ... Send this link to a friend!