CENTRALIA, WA--Jeffery Waring, 34, claims the first date he had in over two years was most likely botched because of the large jar of Vaseline brand petroleum jelly that he fetched at an inopportune moment.

”She was super cute, and she even graduated from a community college,” Waring said of blind dater, Cathy Cook, 30. Cook was persuaded to go on the date with Waring by a co-worker whose husband is Waring’s friend.

Waring said the blind date began without a hitch. The pair began to get to know each other over dinner at a local family restaurant named the Country Cousin, where Waring had the deep-fried clams and chips platter. Cook took advantage of breakfast being served 24 hours a day and ordered biscuits and gravy. The pair then drove across town to Fox Theatre and made it for an 8 p.m. showing of “The Last Samurai.”

Following the show, Waring asked if Cook would like to drop by his place to see a copy of “Entertainment Weekly,” which was personally autographed by Tom Cruise.

Although viewing the autographed entertainment periodical took only a moment, Cook showed no obvious signs of wanting to leave, so Waring offered her another drink.

“She took the drink, but I was sort of paralyzed; it had been so long since I’d scored,” Waring said of the situation. “I couldn’t tell if I should kiss her, or touch her hand, or do absolutely nothing. What did it mean in the year 2004 to have a woman on your couch?”

Experts agree. John Kehrwald, from the national Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, said that it is natural for a single man Waring’s age, one who has not had contact with a female in over two years, to be uncertain when suddenly confronted with dating rituals.

“Up to the time you lose your virginity, you get no pussy. Then you go through a period where you get more pussy than a pussy monster. Pussy up and pussy down, pussy over and pussy under--black pussy, white pussy, yellow pussy, green pussy,” Kehrwald said. “Then you turn 30, and it’s like the pussy fairy up and died and left you nothing in her will. After a couple years, you just forget how you ever used to get pussy in the first place.”

Finally, in an instant where Waring and Cook simultaneously reached for their drinks, their lips were so close they seemed to naturally touch. After this brief kiss, which included just a hint of Cook’s tongue, Waring leapt from the couch and stated he would be right back.

A moment later Waring returned with a half-empty 16-ounce jar of Vaseline that he set down on the coffee table before attempting to once again engage Cook. Cook, however, shoved Waring off her and demanded to know what he thought he was doing with the Vaseline.

“I thought she was kidding, so I laughed and tried to tickle her, but she pushed me away and said something about tact. And I think she made a reference to medieval forms of lubrication.”

Cook then put on her coat and left the apartment without saying goodbye, despite Waring’s assertion that retrieving the Vaseline had only been a joke.

On the street, he then tried a different angle, stating that he suffered from chapped lips and the petroleum-based product was something that “heals dryness.” Neither assertion halted Cook’s hasty retreat.

“I guess now, in retrospect, I rushed things with the Vaseline. But it had been so long, and I’m normally used to sitting at my computer with girls; so, as soon as I get that feeling, well, that’s what I reach for.”