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*A Parody of CNN's Exit Poll 2004
| VOTE BY GENDER | 
BUSH |
 KERRY |
Total |
||
Male
(46%) |
54% |
45% |
Female
(54%) |
47% |
52% |
| VOTE BY TRANSGENDER |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Female
Trapped in Body of Male (31%) |
4% |
95% |
Male
Trapped in Body of Female (22%) |
7% |
92% |
Goat
Trapped In Body of Mealworm (5%) |
20% |
80% |
| VOTE BY CLASS |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Upper
Class (11%) |
90% |
10% |
Middle
Class (34%) |
45% |
55% |
Lower
Class (45%) |
50% |
50% |
S-Class
(10%) |
95% |
5% |
| VOTE BY ANNUAL INCOME |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
200
Pounds Government Cheese (46%) |
55% |
45% |
200
Pounds Government Cheese to $30,000 (16%) |
35% |
65% |
$30,000
to A Gazillion-Billion-Jillion (25%) |
75% |
25% |
A
Gazillion-Billion-Jillion or More (11%) |
100% |
0% |
| ANYONE IN HOUSEHOLD PARTICIPATE IN CHILI COOK-OFF? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(46%) |
54% |
45% |
No
(54%) |
47% |
52% |
| WON? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(13%) |
54% |
45% |
No
(84%) |
47% |
52% |
| CONGRATULATIONS. WHAT WAS THE SECRET INGREDIENT? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Ain’t
Be Tellin’ (7%) |
54% |
45% |
Wasabi
Powder (2%) |
47% |
52% |
Jack
Daniels, Twizzlers, and Pepsi (89%) |
55% |
57% |
| VOTE BY RELIGION |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Protestant
(46%) |
95% |
5% |
Other
(54%) |
35% |
65% |
| VOTE BY CHURCH ATTENDANCE |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Hourly
(16%) |
99% |
1% |
Weekly
(44%) |
90% |
8% |
Never
(33%) |
7% |
91% |
Jesus
Said To Find A Church Inside Yourself (7%) |
0% |
99% |
| VOTE BY HOPES OF 2nd COMING |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Bush
Is Jesus (6%) |
100% |
0% |
Hopefully
While Bush Is In Office (93%) |
100% |
0% |
I
Am Here, My Brother (1%) |
0% |
100% |
| VOTE BY SPEAKING DIRECTLY TO BABY JESUS |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(46%) |
99% |
1% |
No
(54%) |
0% |
100% |
| VOTE BY SEEING "SIGN" ON SIDE OF GRAIN SILO |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(46%) |
98% |
2% |
No
(54%) |
2% |
98% |
| VOTE BY SEEING "SIGN" DURING MUSHROOM TRIP |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(46%) |
15% |
85% |
No
(54%) |
50% |
49% |
| VOTE BY BELIEF USA IS WHERE KINGDOM OF GOD WILL BE REALIZED |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Got
A Problem With That? (46%) |
98% |
2% |
No
(54%) |
4% |
92% |
| VOTE BY FAVORITE MEAL |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Chateau
Briand (10%) |
94% |
6% |
Stewed
Opossum, Fried Gizzards or “Q”
(40%) |
49% |
49% |
Organic
Farm-Raised Salmon, or Tofurkey With Organic Shitake Mushroom Glaze)
(39%) |
9% |
90% |
My
Bitch's Hot Piss (9%) |
8% |
90% |
| EVER HAD A HOMOSEXUAL EXPERIENCE |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
No
( 46%) |
54% |
45% |
All
Men Are Homosexuals, They Just Don't Realize It Yet (14%) |
47% |
52% |
If
I Was With Me Dad, Do That Count? (20%) |
55% |
45% |
With
My Priest, Or Do You Mean Elsewhere? (20%) |
45% |
53% |
| EVER HAD A LESBIAN EXPERIENCE |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(40%) |
4% |
95% |
No
(54%) |
47% |
52% |
No,
God Dammit, And I'm Worried It Might Never Happen! (6%) |
50% |
50% |
| WHEN DID YOU DECIDE WHO TO VOTE FOR? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
When
Cheney
Said the USSR would still Exist if Kerry were President (46%) |
99% |
0% |
When
Cheney
Said the USSR would still Exist if Kerry were President (54%) |
0% |
99% |
| MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Constitutional
Freedom (26%) |
4% |
95% |
Moral
Values (24%) |
88% |
12% |
Outcome
of NBC's The Biggest Looser (50%) |
50% |
50% |
http://www.sweetchristians.com/
| VOTE BY LACK OF ABILITY TO OBJECTIVELY INTERPRET U.S. MEDIA SOURCES |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Whoa,
Slow Down There Pardner, I Don’t Appreciate No Swear Words (26%) |
100% |
0% |
Kind
Sire, I Am the U.S. Media (24%) |
98% |
2% |
No
(50%) |
15% |
94% |
| MOST IMPORTANT QUALITY |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Intelligent
(30%) |
0% |
100% |
Honest
Leadership
(24%) |
0% |
100% |
Ability
to Appropriate Future Generation’s Money For Me, Now (19%) |
100% |
0% |
Loves
the Baby Jesus (25%) |
100% |
0% |
| COMPARED TO FOUR YEARS AGO, THE U.S. IS... |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
More
Influenced By "Touched By An Angel" (54%) |
54% |
45% |
Less
Influenced By "Touched By An Angel" (42%) |
47% |
52% |
| HOW ARE THINGS GOING FOR U.S. IN IRAQ |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Very
Well, Thank You For Asking (46%) |
99% |
1% |
How
Would Anyone Know in This Age of Misinformation? (45%) |
2% |
98% |
You
Talking Shit about Our Boys? These Colors Don’t Run, You Commie
Bastard! (8%) |
100% |
0% |
| "VELVEETA SHELLS & CHEESE" OR "KRAFT MACARONI & CHEESE" |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Velveeta
(16%) |
88% |
11% |
Kraft
(43%) |
47% |
52% |
Sir,
I Have No Idea What You're Talking About (22%) |
100% |
0% |
Woa,
Slow Down There Pardner, I Ain't Privy To Them Homo Slang Words (19%)
|
100% |
0% |
| OPINION OF BUSH ADMINISTRATION |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
So
Angry I Could Spit Blood and Shit Fire! (51%) |
0% |
100% |
It’s
like Easter and Christmas Every Single Day! (47%) |
100% |
0% |
| IS IRAQ WAR PART OF WAR ON TERRORISM? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Obviously,
With All Them Mass Destructing Weapons (50%) |
98% |
2% |
How
Would Anyone Know in This Age of Misinformation? (50%) |
3% |
97% |
| BUSH PAYS MORE ATTENTION TO... |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Ordinary,
Average Blue-Collar Joes Like Himself (44%) |
98% |
2% |
Ordinary,
Average Multimillionaires Like Himself (55%) |
2% |
98% |
| AVAILABILITY AND COST OF HEALTH CARE |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Very
Concerened (24%) |
54% |
45% |
Not
at All Concerned (54%) |
67% |
32% |
I
Could Afford Health Care if Them Cigarette Prices Don’t Go Up
No More (25%) |
50% |
50% |
| THE KILLING OF INNOCENT CIVILIANS IN IRAQ |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Strongly
Approve (28%) |
93% |
6% |
Strongly
Disapprove (32%) |
5% |
94% |
Never
Know When One A 'Dem Babies Has A Butt-Bomb Up In It (40%) |
100% |
0% |
| ABORTION SHOULD BE… |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Always
Illegal (41%) |
77% |
22% |
Always
Legal (55%) |
24% |
74% |
Legal
Only If My Grand Daughters A-Carryin’ My Son (4%) |
77% |
30% |
| NATIONAL ECONOMY |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Super,
Almost
Like Heaven--The Milk and Honey
and Stuff (53%) |
89% |
11% |
National
Debt At $1.67 Billion per Day Since September, 2003? What Do You think?
(46%) |
0% |
100% |
| TRUST BUSH TO HANDLE THE ECONOMY? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(33%) |
94% |
6% |
No
(37%) |
7% |
91% |
As
Long As My Unborn Great Great Grandson Is Willing To Pitch In, Sure!
(30%) |
100% |
0% |
| TRUST BUSH TO HANDLE TERRORISM? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(33%) |
94% |
6% |
No
(37%) |
7% |
91% |
I'd
Much Rather Hang Out With Bush Over A Beer Than Kerry! (30%) |
100% |
0% |
| IS U.S. GOING IN RIGHT DIRECTION? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(46%) |
94% |
5% |
No
(40%) |
7% |
92% |
If
We Use This Chance To Finally Deal With The Fag, Jew, And Nigger Problem
(14%) |
100% |
2% |
| OSAMA BIN LADEN VIDEOTAPE |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Loved
It--Even Better the Second Time (22%) |
54% |
45% |
Sort
of Boring, Like 60 Minutes (40%) |
97% |
3% |
Amateur
Lighting and Stage Direction (31%) |
7% |
90% |
Technique
Totally Ripped Off From Kubrik (5%) |
2% |
98% |
| WORRIED ABOUT THE US RUNNING OUT OF OIL? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Very
Worried (2%) |
54% |
45% |
Not
Worried (88%) |
47% |
52% |
Aw,
We’s Got Oil To Last A Bajillion Years (5%) |
89% |
11% |
What,
Why Would We Run Out Of Oil? (5%) |
3% |
97% |
| IRAQ WAR MADE U.S. MORE SECURE? |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Yes
(35%) |
94% |
5% |
No
(32%) |
7% |
92% |
I
Dunno. Saw Me Some Funny Lookin’ Folk Out By The "Gas-n-Go"
Yesterday (21%) |
98% |
2% |
You
Talking Shit about Our Boys? These Colors Don’t Run, Asshole!
(12%) |
99% |
1% |
| WHO SHOULD BE ON THE LOOKOUT |
BUSH |
KERRY |
Total |
||
Terrorists
(25%) |
54% |
45% |
Adult
Pornographers (25%) |
94% |
5% |
Freedom
Fighters (25%) |
94% |
5% |
Niggers,
Fags, Jews, Yellow Libbys, and Their Families (25%) |
100%% |
0% |
