HEAVEN—God met with angelic reporters yesterday to announce the next step in his cosmic plan to eliminate humankind’s woes—the abolishment of the vagina. Step No. 378,998,828A in God’s monumental Operation Kingdom Come (OKC) was slated to go into effect during the 1970’s--during the age of Cock Rock--but Heavenly Staff members persuaded God to put the step on hold until human being Albert Gore could invent the Internet.

“We were afraid that without the vaginal thrust, the World Wide Web would fade into a simple mail transfer mechanism and not become the super-fast and highly-dynamic entity it is today,” the Heavenly Father told reporters. “And over the next 3,000 years a really highly developed Internet is going to be needed to implement steps 378,998,829B through 378,998,829E—during the era I've entitled ‘The Rise of the Machines.’”

God was quick to point out that the delayed implementation of Step No.378,998,828A, in no way, was an omniscient oversight. “I continue to be the omniscient being I always have been, and a delay of only 20 years is statistically insignificant. Next question?”

OKC is the Omnipotent Cosmic Entity’s master plan to bring humankind under the fold of his everlasting and unconditional love. However, for the plan to reach fruition, a number of factors must be dealt with and controlled as they develop.

For instance, Step No. 287,983,873J brought an end to the age of the “dinosaurs,” creatures that were so large and powerful they would have inhibited mankind’s evolution from crickets if they had been allowed to remain alive.

Yet the age, and planned demise, of the dinosaurs was an integral part of steps 198,987,363V through 198,987,363X—the creation of fossilized organic matter. This matter would become the needed fuels to power humankind’s industrial revolution. And these same fuels, in the not-so-distant future, also will supply energy to the machines that will entrap and rule man for a period of 15 millennia and one day.

The vagina, however, will not simply disappear. Instead, world leaders will be influenced by a series of occurrences and will voluntarily outlaw the vagina. The primary impetus will be the discovery of a new sexually transmitted disease that almost instantly kills men but never harms its female carriers. Out of fear for their survival, men will quarantine all living females and patch their vaginal openings with skin taken from the women’s left cheeks. In-vitro fertilization will replace female pregnancy. The urethra and anus will be left alone, but the clitoris will be removed for political reasons.

Although feminist organizations will denounce the mass surgery, uttering slogans like “When vaginas are outlawed, only outlaws will have vaginas” and “You can have my vagina when you pry it from my cold, dead hand,” most citizens, without argument, will gladly accept the safety and security of a vagina-less society.

Critics point out that Step No. 378,998,828A is easy to implement in fear-riddled societies like the United States, but that in less developed areas, such as Africa and South America, citizens will be less likely to be swayed by the promise of fear.

“Not to worry,” God told reporters. “We will deal with that in Step No. 378,998,828F during Operation Bye Bye, Brown Guy.”