VATICAN CITY—The Pope openly denounced homosexuality yesterday in a meeting with papal authorities and reporters, pointing out that if God had wanted men to be gay, he would not have created tight pussies and huge tits. Addressing the growing concern amidst papal authorities that homosexuality is in the process of being “mainstreamed” after the United States passed a bill allowing same-sex marriage, the Pope stood firm on what he has continually said is the only reality of the situation, that homosexuality is forbidden by the Bible.

Yet this time the Pope added to his statement and said God’s abhorrence to male union can be seen working in our natural world. After alluding to William Paley’s 18th century work Natural Theology, in which Paley argues for the existence of God by analyzing a watch, the Pope outlined a similar argument using close-fitting vaginas and large breasts.

“The intricate and delicate organization of the constricted vaginal opening combined with a pair of huge, heaving bosoms, is overwhelming evidence that God would rather men lay with women than with one of their own,” the Pope said.

The Pope said that this should once and for all convince mankind that homosexual unions are immoral. “The Bible no longer need be depended on to convince the masses that homosexuality is immoral, because the ordinary workings of female anatomy prove it,” he said.

“What sort of God would our Lord be if he created men to put their wee-wees into the hairy, stinky poopy pipes of other men?” the Pope asked. “Obviously that is not meant to be.”

Papal authorities disavow that the Pope has first-hand experience with the matters of female anatomy, and says the Pope’s most recent realization about the inappropriateness of homosexuality came after the Vatican viewed several Hustler and Max Hardcore pornographic videos for “research purposes.”

“We were looking to see deeper into the minds of those inflicted with sexual addiction by studying adult entertainment videos,” Cardinal San Domino said. “It was during a seminar where we observed the intensity of pleasure the female body was giving to a gentlemen referred to as Max Hardcore, that the Pope, momentarily awaking from a nap, claimed he saw something deeper than sexual addiction, that he saw the complete argument against homosexuality.”

San Domino said that seconds later the Pope again fell into a restful pose, but that when awaking some weeks later, the experience of pleasure Max Hardcore had encountered while being mounted by the large-breasted female was still fresh in his mind. “This was several weeks ago. And since the United States has suddenly thrown in the towel concerning this virus of sexuality, many had been wondering if the Catholic Church, too, would soon be doing the same. But I think that after hearing the Pope today, the world can be rest assured that although homosexuality appears to be succeeding on some fronts, in the heart of God it is doomed.”