LONDON--The past few years were wrought with success followed by success for singer-songwriter and purple-haired matron Pink. Songs rose to the top of music charts and became hits, and she seemed to rule the hearts, souls, and dreams of pre-pubescent girls worldwide. But last week, the true impetus behind Pink’s tireless drive toward success was revealed—to have her very own time machine.

“I’d always known that my success, that my singing and, like, stuff, would be the thing to get me enough dough to buy me a time machine,” Pink said shortly before her departure. “A lot of stars blow all their coin on dumb shit like cars and drugs, but I saved every penny of it—except for the eight dollars I spent on this big plastic belt—until I had enough money to have a mad scientist build me a time machine.”

Originally fixated by the molecular-transfer devices that are promoted on shows such as “Star Trek” and movies such as “The Fly,” Pink eventually decided on owning a time machine after watching actor Kevin Costner’s version of “Robin Hood.”

“I just really wanted to get back and check out them medieval times, you know, with all those pies and stuff, and the beautiful horses and forests. After seeing that flick, I knew I would be getting me a time machine and not a transporter.”

Although a transporter could save Pink enormous amounts of time traveling during her intense tours, which sometimes last a month, the time machine is, she said, something that also can offer her an opportunity to develop as an artist.

“I really knew that I’d be able to reach back into time with my music, and then return forward to reach out again to express what I’d experienced when I had finished reaching back,” Pink said.

Early last week Pink entered her time machine, set the date to 1328, and traveled back in time to London.

For a brief time, it appears, Pink enjoyed the company of the court of King Edward II. But it wasn’t until she began to express herself as an artist that her full talent became fully realized by both court and king.

After her first public performance, where Pink deftly demonstrated her talent to turn shit into gold, she was immediately put into the king’s service, where she was forced to labor day in and day out, almost without rest, turning lyrical crap into gold to fill the greedy king’s coffers.

Locked away in a secluded tower, Pink sang, “Sleeping in the church/Riding in the dirt /Put a banner over my grave/Make a body work/Make a beggar hurt/Sell me something big and untamed.” This gave the king the needed financial resources to raise a large enough army to attack France and begin the Hundred Years War.

Other lyrics, such as “We know how to pray/Party everyday/Make our desolations of pain/Riding in a rut /Till the powers cut /We don't even have a good name” produced so much gold that the king was forced to relocate Pink in the dungeon for fear that the weight of the treasure would cause the tower to collapse.

But eventually Pink succumbed to scurvy, not to mention a variety of other medieval-age diseases. And within a week, her voice became weak and uninspired, the gold rush slowed to a trickle, and then finally stopped. It took a mere 15 minutes for the king and his court to denounce Pink as a witch and burn her at the stake for not being able to magically produce gold any longer.

Luckily for the fans, Pink continues to exist and perform in the world as we know it: Before her departure, Pink received delivery of an android Pink, a replacement of herself that she planned to use anytime she was traveling in her time machine.

And if critics fear that the android Pink will fail to live up to the real Pink’s poppy prowess, they needn’t be worried: Its songwriting software was built using tried and tested Magic 8-Ball technology.