HOLLYWOOD--Over recent history, the acclaimed work by D.H. Lawrence, “Lady Chatterley’s Lover,” has been banned for being pornographic, criticized for its vulgarity, and attacked for its bad taste. But never has the renowned work been deemed as ‘exciting as a gutful of pinworms’—until now.

Jerry Edmondson, an intern at the well-known pornographic Web site Fisting Lessons, openly denounced the work in a tavern recently, claiming that it is “boring, unexciting, and uninspiring.”

Edmondson, who is interning at Fisting Lessons this summer to gain four credits in Business Administration, mainly is responsible for holding the “pussy light,” the movable lamp that is continually focused on a woman’s midsection to thwart shadows during a pornographic shoot.

This summer Edmondson also is re-taking a Modern Literature course he failed last semester. He is presently engaged in reading a number of Lawrence’s works; among them, the once-controversial novel “Lady Chatterley’s Lover.”

Originally banned for being one of the first works of its kind to openly describe sexual intercourse, the book was even more reviled for its depiction of a lady of aristocratic lineage seeking, and desiring, to consort with a man of common stock.

“How am I supposed to take this shit seriously,” Edmondson asked, holding up a dog-eared Penguin Classic paperback. “Today I saw my boss fisting like five different girls, one had her whole hand up her ass when he got his own hand into her cunt. Then he slid a two-liter plastic Mountain Dew bottle up into her, while calling her a ‘stupid little whore.’”

Edmondson quickly thumbed to a section in the novel and read aloud. “Whilst all her womb was open and soft, and softly clamouring, like a sea-anemone under the tide, clamouring for him to come in again and jam a fucking two-liter plastic Mountain Dew bottle into her gash,” he intoned, appending the reference to the soft-drink bottle.

“And I’m, like, supposed to write an eight-page paper on the sexual imagery to pass that God damned lit class. What the fuck?” Edmondson claims to have skimmed the work twice, and has yet to come across any reference to what he would consider sexual. “Womb, secret entrance, rounded tail, haunches? This is what I have to work with,” Edmondson said. “I’ll be damned if those are sexual references. The whole thing is about as exciting as a gutful of pinworms.”

Edmondson sought out another passage. “He exquisitely stroked the rounded tail, till it seemed as if a slippery sort of fire came from it into his hands. And his fingertips touched the two secret openings to her body, time after time, with a soft little brush of fire. He laid his hand close and firm over her secret places, in a kind of close greeting,” he read aloud. “Is that the stuff people used to do in the olden days before fisting was invented? Sounds like Spock mind-melding with a fucking alien to me.”

The only reference Edmondson hopes to stretch into an eight-page paper is a remark made by the common gardener about Lady Chatterley’s bodily functions.
“‘An' if tha shits an' if tha pisses, I'm glad. I don't want a woman as couldna shit nor piss. Tha'rt real, tha art! Tha'art real, even a bit of a bitch,’” Edmondson read. “At least here are some words I recognize--piss, shit, and bitch. Now if I can only figure out what that guy is fucking talking about, maybe I’d have something.”

Although the work continues to defy Edmondson’s search for sexual meaning, he is not completely dissuaded he will be unable to complete the assignment. “I’ll give it another month, and if nothing more than piss, shit, and bitch start jumping out at me, I’m pretty sure I can download a paper off the Web.”