WASHINGTON--It was widely assumed that man’s best friend, from only a cursory whiff of his fellows’ behind, could deduce age, heritage, dislikes, dreams, and possibly even the address of the inspected pooch’s pooper. To be able to break this nasal code and harness the process would have given any government profound abilities, abilities which might be used not only to screen potential federal employees but also to fight terrorism. And it was just this faculty the CIA had been searching for during a top secret anti-terrorist experiment aimed at training security agents to “read” the bottoms of airline passengers. But the quest was recently abandoned when scientists discovered that Fido is not exactly extracting complex levels of information when he’s sniffing, but simply may be looking for a snack.

In experiments that included color-coded radioactive dyes, modified CAT scanning equipment, and a large number of abandoned canines, scientists endeavored for two years to gain an understanding of how the complex process worked. After hundreds of tests, deciliters of dyes, and dozens of dogs, however, the only area in a Fido’s brain that consistently showed activity during anal sniffing happened to be identical to the one that showed activity when he was eating his dinner, receiving a treat, or when quickly gobbling up a homeless man’s stool before being scolded by his owner.

Now, after millions of taxpayers dollars have been spent and the experiment has been cancelled, some officials are starting to question where the CIA received their intelligence on the dogs’ abilities in the first place.

“Well, everyone knows that’s what dogs are doing,” said scientist Margaret Howard in defense of the project. “I mean, ask anyone.”

This reasoning is not satisfying pundits, who say that in this dire period the CIA should be using its time and resources to search for enemies of the state using realistic means instead of researching schemes, which are far-fetched and might encroach upon citizens’ civil rights. “Any civil rights organization would have filed suit the moment the first passenger had his pants pulled down,and a 19-year-old high school drop-out began sniffing at his butt crack,” said Jeremiah Bruckheimer, a former lawyer for the ACLU.

The Senate committee investigating the fruitless fling concluded that the misinformation was likely a wives’ tale passed down over the millennia. For example, when children displayed revulsion to the animalistic behavior of their domesticated companions, parents might have invented stories to explain the acts in a more benign light, such as when children are told that storks deliver baby brothers, and virgins, baby saviors.

“It would have been easier to tell a child that the puppy was just talking with his buddy instead of saying it's eating shit out of another dog’s ass,” said Senate subcommittee member Judith Cole. “But that does not absolve the CIA from taking responsibility for its absurd attempt to train some kid to sniff my asshole to try and deduce if I am a terrorist. What’s next? Will they get somebody’s Uncle Robert with an arthritic big toe and train it to throb when placed in the proximity of terrorists,” asked Cole. “Or maybe they can get some pasty-skinned homemaker to break out in hives when she’s close to a bomber.”