Dogs Searching For Snacks, Not Information
WASHINGTON--It was widely assumed that man’s best friend,
from only a cursory whiff of his fellows’ behind, could
deduce age, heritage, dislikes, dreams, and possibly even the
address of the inspected pooch’s pooper. To be able to break
this nasal code and harness the process would have given any government
profound abilities, abilities which might be used not only to
screen potential federal employees but also to fight terrorism.
And it was just this faculty the CIA had been searching for during
a top secret anti-terrorist experiment aimed at training security
agents to “read” the bottoms of airline passengers.
But the quest was recently abandoned when scientists discovered
that Fido is not exactly extracting complex levels of information
when he’s sniffing, but simply may be looking for a snack.
experiments that included color-coded radioactive dyes, modified
CAT scanning equipment, and a large number of abandoned canines,
scientists endeavored for two years to gain an understanding of
how the complex process worked. After hundreds of tests, deciliters
of dyes, and dozens of dogs, however, the only area in a Fido’s
brain that consistently showed activity during anal sniffing happened
to be identical to the one that showed activity when he was eating
his dinner, receiving a treat, or when quickly gobbling up a homeless
man’s stool before being scolded by his owner.
Now, after millions of taxpayers dollars have been spent and
the experiment has been cancelled, some officials are starting
to question where the CIA received their intelligence on the dogs’
abilities in the first place.
“Well, everyone knows that’s what dogs are doing,”
said scientist Margaret Howard in defense of the project. “I
mean, ask anyone.”
This reasoning is not satisfying pundits, who say that in this
dire period the CIA should be using its time and resources to
search for enemies of the state using realistic means instead
of researching schemes, which are far-fetched and might encroach
upon citizens’ civil rights. “Any civil rights organization
would have filed suit the moment the first passenger had his pants
pulled down,and a 19-year-old high school drop-out began sniffing
at his butt crack,” said Jeremiah Bruckheimer, a former
lawyer for the ACLU.
Senate committee investigating the fruitless fling concluded that
the misinformation was likely a wives’ tale passed down
over the millennia. For example, when children displayed revulsion
to the animalistic behavior of their domesticated companions,
parents might have invented stories to explain the acts in a more
benign light, such as when children are told that storks deliver
baby brothers, and virgins, baby saviors.
“It would have been easier to tell a child that the puppy
was just talking with his buddy instead of saying it's eating shit
out of another dog’s ass,” said Senate subcommittee
member Judith Cole. “But that does not absolve the CIA from
taking responsibility for its absurd attempt to train some kid
to sniff my asshole to try and deduce if I am a terrorist. What’s
next? Will they get somebody’s Uncle Robert with an arthritic
big toe and train it to throb when placed in the proximity of
terrorists,” asked Cole. “Or maybe they can get some
pasty-skinned homemaker to break out in hives when she’s
close to a bomber.”