EARTH--Summer has arrived, and with it the rebirth of our lush natural world, bringing wonder and joy to the eyes of many a living soul. So tender can a summer renewal be that mortal man may suddenly feel he is in the loving arms of his Creator, wrapped in a joyful embrace of deeply scented breezes and surrounded by gleeful songs of his feathered friends. Yet, when James Dodges molested and killed a 7-month-old infant last week, the world never imagined his reprehensible act would be looked upon with indifference by these same Heavenly authorities. Although Dodges will most likely receive the death penalty for his crime, sources close to God gave Dodges the thumb’s up yesterday and asserted the act was just part of a larger plan mortals cannot fathom.

“Hey, we’re fine with what Dodges did, but don’t try to understand why,” Saint Brigid, the patron saint of infants, told reporters. “Just trust us; it’s all going as planned. Heaven on Earth is really right around the corner.”

Heaven on Earth, God’s Promised Land, is slated to be executed after the final battle between good and evil, when Satan is finally eradicated. As foretold in the Bible, Heaven will close its doors and move its operations to Earth, and will then implement a sunny, poly-ethnic, and peaceful world, which is most often seen depicted on covers of “Watchtower,” the Jehovah’s Witnesses informational magazine.

But many are starting to doubt God’s ability to deliver a so-called Heaven on Earth, and others are troubled by a lack of wrath concerning obvious evil events--such as the one perpetrated by Dodge--despite the spin put on such evil-doings by Heaven. Although Heavenly indifference toward evil-doings has gone relatively unquestioned throughout history, recently the U.S. Senate formed a committee to investigate the Trinity.

“That’s our God?” Senator Donald Jackson, chairman of the committee asked. “All the crime, poverty, starvation, and disease in the world, and now this horrible murder--and He’s going to let that baby killer into Heaven!”

Heavenly sources continue to allude to an unfathomable strategy and a potential human cause for such events. “Yes, Dodges will be allowed into Heaven, but this type of incident is something the mortals cannot, and should not, understand. Besides, if Adam and Eve wouldn’t have eaten the apple like we told them not to, we would not be having this dialogue anyway.”

But legislators are tired of the double-speak and the historical reference to ancient ancestors foiling a peaceful world of Eden and are demanding a Heaven on Earth now. “I just don’t think God’s the man for the job. How many more empty promises must we endure,” asked Iowa Senator Milford Baker. “How many more centuries of fear and hate must we put up with before we realize that God’s pledges are just the fabrications of a con artist? If He can’t deliver Heaven on Earth now or, at minimum within one month, then He’s obviously not as omnipotent as He’s led us all to believe!”

The U.S. Senate drafted a letter of intent to nullify God’s authority and confiscate Heaven, making the region a protectorate of the United States, if He cannot deliver Heaven on Earth by midnight, August 16, 2004.

Representatives aren’t the only ones starting to demand accountability from the Divine. Marcus Myers, an employee at Hub City Recycling in New York City, had this to say: “Dammit, I want the lion to be laying with the lamb now! I’m tired of waiting, and so are my wife and kids. If I don’t get to pluck fruits from trees and harvest milk and honey from the streams and stop going to my shitty job at the fucking recycling plant, I’m, well, going to do something!”

Other citizens are concerned with biblical references to the horsemen of the apocalypse, the harlot and her multi-headed beast, the brutal battles between Jesus and Satan, and the possible allusions to a nuclear war with China. “I just don’t see why that’s necessary,” said homemaker Judith Powell. “I mean, if God is so omnipotent, couldn’t we skip all the nasty bits and jump right into a Heaven on Earth? You’d think we humans have suffered enough with the Holocaust and the plague and rising fuel prices that we wouldn’t need a whole big harlot riding a seven-headed beast or apocalyptic horsemen any longer.”

Currently, authorities on both sides are at a standstill until the August deadline. “Hopefully we will get our Heaven on Earth as promised, and we won’t have to resort to implementing the agenda,” Jackson said. When asked who would rule Heaven if God were deposed, Jackson was evasive. “Well, naming names isn’t necessary at this point. Let’s just say that it would become an American project, and with our technological know-how and expertise in intelligence gathering, I’m sure we could get that Heaven on Earth deal going in just a few years.”

The senate committee was also vague concerning the actual physical whereabouts of Heaven and how the U.S. government planned to enforce the deadline if God failed to make good on his 2,000-year-old promise. “These are matters of national security and we’re unable to comment at this time,” Jackson said. “However, be rest assured that our intelligence comes from a surefire source.”

Heavenly authorities only replied with a brisk “Sorry, but none of that is in the plan.”