IPSWICH, South Dakota—Over the past 50 years, Roy Finkle has witnessed a number of changes to his small hometown, which has a population of 300. But he says that even the arrival of electricity was not as remarkable as the apparent trend within the town’s youth community to cease using belts or suspenders.

“It’s the young gals who are the most astonishing. Nearly every one has her pants pulled down so far you can see the underwear—sometimes even her plumber’s smile. And it’s not even real underwear; it’s more like a couple of pieces of string.” He also said that most of the teen boys could hardly scale a fence or climb a tree, let alone even run, in their low-slung, oversized pants.

“I may be old and out of touch, but I am not an idiot—walking about without a belt or a pair of suspenders when your pants are 10 sizes too big is plain ridiculous.”

Finkle, one of the few college-educated members of his community and who retired as Postmaster18 years ago, claims he is personally close to the parents and grandparents of each of the approximately 80 teens who attend Ipswich High School, and says he seems to be the only individual bothered by the new trends. “I find it hard to imagine Becky [Sorenson] would let her granddaughter strut around with the crack of her backside exposed, or that Earl [Swanson] would let his son let his grandson waddle about like a penguin, but apparently it’s not an issue.”

Although Finkle says he knows that youth in large metropolitan cities dress more risqué, he never imagined a small community-centered town like Ipswich would mimic what he considers to be obscene fashion.

“I grew up believing that the small American town was superior to the city, where you don’t even know your neighbor. We were usually immune to crime, drugs, and sexual trends, but something’s changed.”

Finkle says the other negative trends he has seen rise from the youth community include the use of pharmaceuticals normally reserved for livestock, spray painting public property, body piercing, and publicly displaying firearms.

“Joe’s [Mahoney] boy brought an AK47 to the school last year and then Dave’s [Pitts] stepson was found with a live hand grenade during gym class. And it seemed half the high school was connected to that laboratory where they were extracting methamphetamines from chicken feed.” Finkle also said that he recently overheard a teenage girl openly discussing her clitoral piercing with a group of boys. “I heard Dick Leonard’s granddaughter brazenly explain how the piercing increased the strength of her orgasms and how it assisted her in mastering ‘the art of female ejaculation,’ whatever that is. Poor Dick must have been rolling over in his grave. ”

Finkle adds that nearly every single graduate from Ipswich High School quickly moves to the nearest city—Aberdeen—and that the population of Ipswich is rapidly shrinking. “Most of us natives stayed here, even after the war, and our children stayed here, too. But for some reason kids today are getting out of Ipswich like rats deserting a sinking ship. Ipswich will go the way of the Shakers if it continues,” he said, referring to the once vibrant Protestant community that died off from a lack of younger converts.

Finkle doesn’t have a solution and admits that if the parents can’t stem the tide of what he considers an unsavory trend then certainly there is little he can do, but he thinks the matter could be dealt with through the application of belts and suspenders. “Maybe America should produce more belts and suspenders. The kids can wear the suspenders, and we old folk can use the belts to try and beat some sense into our own children.”