Man Fears Girlfriend Is Trying To Become a Witch

SEATTLE—Lenny Lobkovich, 27, told friends that he fears girlfriend Sarah Waterston, 24, is trying to become a witch, and he said he specifically decided to date Waterston over two years ago because she never discussed the occult or blamed current events on astrological forces.

“I initially was attracted to Sarah because she seemed to be the only girl in Seattle who didn’t talk about energy flows, karma, or planetary alignment in relation to political and social events,” Waterston said. “She just wanted to be a veterinarian, and not an oracle, sorceress, or a witch.”

Lobkovich said he spent enough time in relationships with would-be psychics and astrologists during college to “write off” the entire class of women, partners who would continually succumb to depression, mood swings, and who had a tendency to abuse the words “energy,” “flow,” and “love.” “After hearing the phrase ‘Mercury must be in retrograde’ for the fiftieth time, I swore I’d never date another mystic again.”

Although Waterston has never specifically mentioned plans to become a witch, Lobkovich said he thinks she is hinting toward her intention, and he said he would not be surprised to find a “Wicca for Dummies” book somewhere in her apartment in the near future.

“It’s almost unbearable to watch the news with her because of her running commentary about the supposed third age of Kali humankind is now in, an age ruled by materialism, corruption, violence, and greed,” Lobkovich said. “What makes me suspicious is that she keeps asserting that ‘others’ believe in all this, as if she thinks it’s hocus pocus, but she’s the one who’s constantly droning on about it.”

Waterston also said that he thinks Lobkovich is suffering from what he calls the “Earth Mother complex,” which is caused by the myth surrounding the creation of the universe and the supposed female Jang force as its birthing vessel.

“Sarah keeps making these ridiculous parallels between herself and Mother Earth. The other day I threw a plastic bottle in the ordinary trash and not the plastic recyclables bin, and she asked if I would soon be treating her body like a garbage dump if that’s the way I was going to treat the Earth Mother’s.”

Although he said he does not know what his reaction will be if Waterston begins practicing Wicca, he said he hopes that she will understand why he will have to break up with her immediately.

“As far as I know, you need to be a really insecure and weak person to disregard objective reality and, instead, use the unknown as a crutch; and hopefully Sarah will understand that that’s not the type of person I can respect, let alone be with.”