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Bush Claims U.S. Invaded Iraq to Protect Children from Pornography

WASHINGTON—After months of criticism over the Iraqi invasion because of the inability to find Sadaam’s Weapons of Mass Destruction, the Bush administration has entirely altered its stance on the war and now claims the main impetus to enter Iraq was to protect children from pornography.

“We have several U.S. laws to safeguard youth from sexual predators, including the Mann Act, the Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Act of 1994, and the PROTECT Act of 2003,” Bush told reporters. “Our original impetus to invade Iraq was, and has always been, to protect children from pornography. Unfortunately, the press mainly focused on these Weapons of Mass Destruction things, so we never got a chance to tell it like it was.”

“This war was righteous, after all,” said Jane Richards, a student at Oregon State University who has been actively protesting the war from the onset. Richards, like millions of other antiwar protestors worldwide, have begun peeling off antiwar posters and bumper stickers, and many have sent apologetic letters and e-mails to the President for questioning his actions.

And the United States is enjoying gratitude the world over. Yesterday, the entire country of France was literally shut down when tens of millions danced in the street and chanted pro U.S. slogans and waved American flags. In Paris, French citizens sang the American national anthem for 14 hours. And Germany, a once-strong critic of the U.S. invasion, held a nationwide minute of silence for the United States and its involvement in Iraq. “If they are protecting children from pornography, then we must support them,” said Mustafa Heinz, from Berlin.

The U.S. government has done much over the past several years to combat pedophiles not only on U.S. soil, but abroad as well. American citizens can face up to a maximum of 30 years in prison if convicted of soliciting sex from minors even if it occurs in another country that is known for a high rate of child prostitution, such as Thailand or the Philippines.

Bush told reporters that the U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency, or ICE, the nation’s leading anti-terrorist organization, has worked hand-in-hand with soldiers in Iraq to “identify and eradicate the causes and the means to protect children from pornography.” Bush outlined the protection from pornography tactics in Iraq, saying that the plan mainly focused on removing or rendering ineffective children’s vital organs, inserting large openings in vital areas of children’s bodies, and occasionally displacing their heads.

“These children enjoy a freedom that so many others, billions of others, cannot enjoy. The children of today are our most valuable resource, and knowing that we have permanently kept several thousand Iraqi children from falling into the hands of sexual predators, pedophiles, and molesters, is like knowing that we have done God’s work,” Bush said.

Dr. Sam Young of the Chicago Shriners Hospital, who recently returned from an assignment in Iraq, said that he saw hundreds of children protected from pornography. “Most of their little bodies are so mangled, torn up, or burned, there’s simply nothing left to molest,” he said. “One child was so charred, a molester would have had a better time with a lump of charcoal.”

Although some believe the announcement was the “golden bullet” Bush was saving for the final leg to the Presidential election, there suddenly seems very little left to criticize concerning Iraq. Bush admits to unfortunate “collateral damage,” which refers to the Iraqi adults who are inadvertently caught in the cross fire during operations. But he pledged to do everything in his power to prevent innocent soldiers and insurgents from being killed. “Hey, and those adults, they’re the molesters anyway, so with some luck we got a few of them, like killing two birds with one stone,” Bush said.