Huge Monster Cock Nothing but a “Blood-Engorged Flesh Sock,” Claims Scientist

DAYTON, TX—In an announcement that could affect the penis enlargement as well as the porn industries, Dustin Aulander, 40, announced to his forth period Introduction to Sciences class that the clubs swinging between the legs of well-endowed males are little more than “blood-engorged flesh socks” and are totally useless without blood.

“The penis is made up of three chambers, two large ones on top that is your erectile tissue and one smaller chamber on the bottom from which you urinate and ejaculate,” Aulander, an elementary school science teacher, told the group of 29 first graders. “When men are sexually aroused, their brains release a hormone causing blood to enter the penis and fill the tissue until an erection is achieved.”

Aulander went on to explain how he, too, has a body filled with the very same blood that creates “monster cocks” and “tripods,” a term used to describe a male whose penis is as long as his legs. “Do you not see this blood that courses through my veins as well,” Aulander asked the class before cutting into his left wrist with a pair of scissors.

An impromptu experiment demonstrated how the penis swells with blood when Aulander forced a student, whose name has been withheld, to remove his gym sock and hold it beneath Aulander’s gushing wound.

“See how that sock is becoming erect? See, it’s only a sock filled with blood, the same blood I have,” Aulander said to the students. One student told reporters that the sock did little more than become soaked with blood and failed to actually become erect, a situation Aulander claims was caused by the boy not holding his gym sock steady enough because of his quaking sobs.

Matthew Hicks, president of VP-RX, a company that manufactures and sells penis- enlargement pills, is not worried about Aulander’s experiment. “In a recent survey, 67 percent of all women admitted that they are unhappy with their partner's penis size. And since males are trained to give women what they want so men can get at their snatches, our pills will continue to sell.”

Not everyone who dabbles in the business of the well-endowed are as confident. Gregory Mills, an adult-video producer, said sales of his newest erotic video entitled As Long As They Come fell immediately after Aulander presented his penis lesson to the science class. Mills feels allowing children uninhibited access to the Internet is partially to blame. “A decade ago an announcement like that would have fallen onto deaf ears. But because of the Internet, even first graders now know about, what we call in the adult film business, ‘the birds and the bees. ’ And the kids aren’t spending their allowance on any big-cock-niche productions right now.”

Before passing out in front of the class from loss of blood, Aulander managed to call his wife of 20 years and tell her that although he may be smaller, surly his was more apt to strike her G-spot than that “Chippendales dancer’s big balloon.” He also said that he hoped the way he always remembered to add fresh basil to her scrambled eggs still meant something.