Camel Toes Become Fashionable in Alabama, Iowa, Georgia

ATLANTA—You might find the situation where the protrusion of female labia through tight clothes, resembling a camel’s hoof, repulsive, but fashion mavens in Atlanta have pointed out that women are actively seeking to increase the size of their “camel toes” as men, in states as diverse as Alabama, Iowa, and Georgia, are increasingly seeking women with large labial clefts.

“We’re definitely looking to design a line of clothes that define the vaginal cleft to its fullest,” said Lisa Miller, a fashion designer for Kmart’s highly popular Route 66 line of jeans. “It’s the hottest thing right now in Atlanta—men are finally realizing that a big, fat, swollen pussy is sexy, and that it can assist them in overlooking other undesirable traits of a woman, such as morbid obesity.”

Miller said she can’t release the full details behind Kmart’s new line of “labia enhancing” jeanswear because Walmart’s No Boundaries (NoBo) junior’s line is her company’s direct competition. But she said that the Kmart line will not only enhance labia like never before, but also will prevent the reoccurring vaginal infection that, in the past, was associated with vagina-enhancing jeanswear.

“We’re using a hypoallergenic cotton lining permeated with an anti-bacterial solution that is almost guaranteed to assist in neutralizing the common infections associated with wearing the same unwashed pair of tight jeans, without underwear, for weeks on end,” Miller said.

Jacob Lederhosen, the creative director for Walmart’s NoBo junior’s line, said that his team is diligently working on a labia enhancing “system” that allows women to increase or decrease their vaginal clefts using the same pair of jeans.

“It used to be in the past that a woman would have one pair of jeans that really made her gash hang down, then a second pair that didn’t cause as much distention, and finally a pair that pretty much didn’t do anything, but with our NoBo Kitty Grow System, one pair of pants, through the cunning use of a jean-like elastic lining and foam-rubber inserts, can replace all three.”

Lederhosen said the system is not ready to be released, but that Chinese teenage craft ladies are already hand-tooling the foam rubber inserts, and the system should hit the shelves as early as November. “The NoBo Kitty Grow System comes with three sets of foam inserts, but additional sets can be purchased individually, allowing a woman to be as amplified as her heart desires,” Lederhosen said.

Although the trend seems harmless enough, a strange sidebar to the story is unfolding in none other than the fast-food industry. Insiders claim that the upcoming style might be the outcome of a centuries-old Masonic conspiracy spearheaded by fast-food giants worldwide.

An anonymous executive for a leading burger chain told an undercover fashion editor that since the 1950s a number of independent fast-food restaurant chains have been conspiring to promote the vaginal expansion.

“Through the use of tight, polyester uniforms, which naturally conform to a woman’s crotch, and free junk food, we began promoting the mushrooming minge,” the man said.

“And actually the concept of ‘fast food,’ which enables this vaginal expansion, was one small cog in a centuries-old Masonic conspiracy aimed at eroding social values to the point where a one-world totalitarian technocratic government can come into power and rule mankind with its own machines,” he added.

The man claimed one of the hardest parts of the plan’s fast-food element was the marketing of highly-sweetened carbonated beverages flavored with roots, but that afterward it was just a matter of opening chains and waiting.

“It was really touch-and-go with the root-flavored sugar water, but in the end humanity took to it like hummingbirds, just as we anticipated—although at first we did have to add narcotics to jumpstart demand.”

He went on to explain that the visible vaginas give men the ability to “instantly imagine jamming their fists into those swelling honey holes, a sordid thought that will eventually rot mankind’s minds to a point they won’t realize they have handed their freedom and their souls over to the One True Leader.”