Bush Believes in Invisible Beings Who Inhabit the Sky

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Monday by political watchdog group Separation of Church and State, President George W. Bush has several times in his career admitted to believing in invisible beings that inhabit the sky. “My relationship with God, through Christ, has given me meaning and direction,” the report quoted Bush. He is believed to be making a reference to the historical figure Jesus Christ, who Jesus enthusiasts claim is the offspring of the creator of the universe, called God.

Bush is credited with stating that these magical creatures, who are professed to reside with the undead in a paradise known as “heaven,” have altered his heart and have “made a big difference in [his] personal life and…public life.” The group asserts that Bush, by having “faith” in what he has been told by family and society, has sworn allegiance to these beings, and has told other world leaders he has personal conversations with the head of the universe, God.

According to Palestinian Prime Minister Mahmoud Abbas, Bush told him, “God told me to strike at al Qaida and I struck them, and then he instructed me to strike at Saddam, which I did.”

Dr. Andrew Matthews, a professor of history at Harvard University in Boston and a supporter of Separation of Church and State, claims the “faith” Bush mentions is a cognitive resource avoidance mechanism. “If a Jesus enthusiast start to question his belief, he is told to consider it a loyalty test from his God character. A devotee, then, meets this challenge with ‘faith,’ which means forcing the self to ignore reason and instead believe the story “just because.’”

Bush is not alone in upholding such outlandish beliefs. Jesus buffs have thrived for centuries, and it is estimated that 75% of Americans continue to believe in the ancient tale and “interact” with these invisible beings. The Jesus story, which supposedly occurred some 2,000 years ago, claims the one-true-God committed adultery with and magically impregnated, without causing her to lose her virginity, a woman married to a builder. The woman, known as Mary, is believed to have then given birth to Jesus and, for an unknown reason, protected her virginity the rest of her life. Jesus went on to sacrifice his own life, at the bidding of his father, to allegedly cleanse humankind of its shortcomings.

Some say that Bush might have begun nurturing such fanciful ideas while attending meetings at the United Methodist Church in Texas, a special club where buffs meet weekly to profess their belief, for social and political reasons, and to network. And since their belief forbids several thousand distinctly human traits, the meeting also provides a forum where they are supposedly cleansed from routinely partaking in the forbidden actions.

Regardless of where Bush began nurturing such illogical thought, many view his admission as representative of his inability to ever lead the once proud, first-rate American people away from of their obese, third-rate debtor nation status.

“So a man who believes in winged people who lounge around on clouds is going to help us get out of our monstrous national debt, our horrible problems with obesity, pollution, and terrorism?” Mary Spencer asked, a doctor of psychology at Oregon State University.

David Reynolds, a social worker from Seattle, said, “Our leader is transforming our nation into the very hell his belief professes exists. There’s no way he can realistically deal with the problems facing our nation, problems he’s largely responsible for causing, outside of committing suicide. Besides, China has a standing army of 250 million and is going come in the back door and f**k our fat asses until we squeal like pigs.”

Despite the grim pronouncement uttered by some, there could be a grand light at the end of the tunnel: Jesus buffs firmly believe that he will fly down from the sky amidst glorious fanfare and save the faithful when a standing army of 250 million ascend into the Armageddon valley--located in the Middle East--and a giant demon comes out of a large, smoking trapdoor leading from the center of the earth.